On the Soapbox: Neil Iberal Wants Occupy to Be Over

I am writing to you from the luxurious couch at Starbucks in the courtyard of St. Paul’s Cathedral. I work just down Ludgate Hill at a well known Spanish financial institution (let’s just say the name sounds like ‘panderer’) as a personal finance manager and have been coming here for years until you lot showed up back in October. This was always the nice Starbucks; only the mentally deranged went to the one just 400 metres away in Paternoster Square. Well it was the nice one at least, until the toilets were “temporarily closed” the entire six months St. Paul’s was “occupied”, whatever the hell that means. I looked forward every day to strolling unencumbered through Paternoster Square for authentic Asian food from Itsu during lunch, but that simple pleasure was taken away from me too. Thankfully those dreadful barricades are gone and no longer is there an omnipresent yellow-jacketed security staff meandering about.

These are hardly the only reasons I’m glad the tents are out of St. Paul’s and why I can’t wait for Occupy to be over. A few months back I was taking a train out of Euston to visit family in Manchester and lo and behold Occupy was having a “roving general assembly” right on the main concourse. One of them even had the nerve to offer me half of a brownie as I stood looking at the display for the status of my train. Do I look like the type of person who would accept a half-eaten brownie? I would certainly hope not! Truth be told I actually would have quite liked a brownie at that moment, but that’s besides the point. Luckily the train had a fully stocked snack cart and I got my brownie after all, hand delivered no less, for the reasonable price of four pounds.

Just last week I had some paperwork to drop off at the British Banking Authority (or ‘Mecca’ as we like to say around the office) and again I suffered from the tyranny of the “roving general assembly”. My mate Niall works there and he’d been concocting a reason for me to come by for months so he could show me around and hopefully land me a new job. I know the readers of this crumby paper would never appreciate it but have you seen the inside of that building? I took an introductory architecture course at uni and I should know, it’s a real stunner. So there you go, another opportunity ruined by Occupy since I couldn’t get in while they were outside waving their hands all about.

And for the record, I’m so sick of all this banker bashing. Nearly all my mates are bankers and the most generous people I know. I do my part and buy Big Issue every week when it’s ‘up’. That’s a philosophy I can get behind: tough love; help you help yourself. None of this pissing and moaning about cuts and handouts. Frankly, I can’t see what the issue is. It seems like you are all jealous because bankers get paid big bonuses, but aren’t all jobs the same? If you work in a restaurant don’t they give you lunch? All this talk of the credit crunch and financial crisis is blown all out of proportion. It can’t be that bad, I’ve got even richer over the last few years!

While we’re at it, if you have a problem with shops like Primark or Tesco, don’t shop there! It’s really that simple! That way everyone wins: Primark and Tesco can keep making their amazing and affordable products and you can sit there all smug paying double elsewhere for the same stuff I just bought. Why should I care if the jumper I’m wearing is made by Vietnamese children? And don’t go and get in your little heads to occupy a Primark, at least not on the last Thursday of the month when I go and restock my sock drawer.

Like I said I’ll be just thrilled when Occupy is over and I can get on with my life. You lot sure haven’t helped me one bit and are a constant pain in my ass. And I know I’m not the only one. I can’t help but think of the poor workers that had to clean up Zuccotti Park in New York or Zynga square in Athens. Unlike all of you they have real jobs. And I’m sure they get lunch breaks, just like me.

By Neil Iberal (@mikedolsx)

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Sent from my iPad.