Official ProtestersTM of the Olympic GamesTM

Official rhetoric surrounding the London 2012 Olympics presents a shining image of a supportive and festive public, a legacy of local infrastructure improvements, and beautifully toned abs. But there is discontent among the ranks. Many criticise the Games as merely a vehicle for corporate sponsorship and property development, and point to the destructive effects of so-called ‘regeneration’ imposed on East London.

The Space Hijackers are one such group – but with one key difference. The Space Hijackers are the only Official Protesters^TM of the Olympic Games^TM. We hold the sole rights to dispense tickets to the Official Protest^TM, and demonstrations held by non-registered malcontents will be considered illegitimate. London Organising Committee of the Olympic and Paralympic Games’s (LOCOG) retribution against such interlopers will be swift and merciless, and we advise our prospective Protest Customers® to beware of imposters.

 

What’s wrong with the Olympics?  

We’re not killjoys, in fact, hosting badass parties is arguably one of our stronger points. We don’t hate sport either. One of our number is an amateur triathlete, and a serial Marathon masochist. So what’s our problem?

Us and Them:  Who are the Olympics for?

The ticket fiasco showed that it was practically impossible for the public to get hold of a ticket.  No concessions were given to those whose lives will be disrupted by the event. Roughly two thirds of all tickets are thought to be reserved for corporate sponsors rather than being on sale to the general public, but the government still refuses to disclose the exact figure.

Special road routes dubbed ‘VIP Lanes’, will surrender huge swathes of London’s streets to an unspecified entourage of Olympic dignitaries and hangers-on, all day, every day throughout the Games. Proles will be fined £200 for entering them. The VIP lanes will effectively blockade entire areas of the city, particularly East London. Not only will people be prevented from getting to work, but small businesses needing regular deliveries, eg pubs, are likely to go bust in the process.

Despite claims that the Olympics will boost youth participation in sport, the organisers have shown their lack of confidence in achieving this by dropping it as an official measure of the Games’ success.

Draconian security measures will make Bow look like Baghdad, with thousands of army troops deployed, aerial drones used in Afghanistan, missiles stationed on rooftops, and battleships in the Thames – all guarding against the ever-present threat of unspecified and invisible terrorists.

A series of land-grabs have commandeered ancient public green space, destroying habitat at Leyton Marshes with a basketball facility (this struggle will be familiar to Occupiers), installing a police station on Wanstead Flats, building Olympic worker accommodation in Epping Forest, and taking over parks in Blackheath and Greenwich for equestrian events.

Housing Crisis

The Olympic Park developments will exacerbate East London’s housing crisis, through its plans to ‘regenerate’ – i.e. gentrify – Stratford. Rather than improve services and infrastructure for existing residents, the legacy project will continue London’s trend of pushing out local inhabitants to make way for a professional commuter class. It will create a wealthy enclave that is physically and socially separated from the existing inhabitants just down the road.

Only 35% of the new houses will be ‘affordable’ (defined as 80% of market value).  Meanwhile, the waiting list for a council house in the area is around 10 years.

This suggests that, rather than gentrification and social cleansing being an unhappy side-effect of the Olympics, the reality is the other way round – the Olympics are used as an excuse to drive through neoliberal measures to help property developers build and sell houses at extortionate rates.

Local Businesses Vs Corporate Sponsorship

We are constantly told that the Olympics will boost the economy by encouraging tourism and hence helping local businesses. However, the 2003 ‘Games Plan’ report, assessing the viability of London hosting the Games, was quite clear: the Olympics present no economic opportunities.  They are for feel-good purposes only. In fact, host cities should be prepared to take a financial loss.

The London Olympics Act 2005 also blocks small businesses from cashing in on the event by making it unlawful for anyone who isn’t an official sponsor to associate themselves with the Olympic brand – even going as far as to ban the use of the words and phrases such as ‘Olympic’. One baker got a slap on the wrist for icing the Olympic Rings^TM on her cakes.

Official Protesters^TM

With all the official sponsorship deals, including everything from Official Cereal Bar to the Official Sustainability Partner (which is BP – no, seriously), the Space Hijackers noticed that one omission was notable by its absence:  there were no Official Protesters. We decided to step up to this challenge and fill the void.

The first thing we did was change our Twitter avatar to an anarcho-coloured (black and red) version of the famous ‘2012’ logo, and changed our bio to claim that we were the Official Protesters of London 2012. We started Tweeting satirical messages, such as “There are no rights but ©opyrights”, and “It’s OK to protest Shell today, but once in the Games period please direct attention to BP, proud partner of the US Olympic Committee”.

Official Cens*****p^TM

Then, a funny thing happened: Twitter – that self-proclaimed champion of free speech and democracy during the Arab Spring – shut down our account. LOCOG had contacted Twitter and complained that we were “Using a trademark in a way that could be confusing or misleading with regard to brand affiliation”, as Twitter told us in an email on 22 May – despite it being an obvious spoof.

Twitter immediately capitulated and censored our account, before writing to us demanding that we change our profile to remove the offending image and bio details. In order to continue our campaign to raise awareness of Olympics issues, we complied with their requests, and were back Tweeting our parody messages by the following afternoon.

Meanwhile, the Streisand Effect reared its beautiful head, and LOCOG’s attempts to silence us resulted in the story of our Twitter ban being plastered all over the international press. We like to imagine the long and heated debates between LOCOG’s legal and PR teams.

(Legal:  “But don’t you understand that unauthorised brand affiliation is illegal?”

PR:  “But everyone will think we’re dicks!”

Legal:  “But… ILLEGAL!”

PR:  “But….  DICKS!”
etc.)

What now?

After seven years of the Seb Coe PR offensive, it’s only in the last few months that the mainstream media has started to provide coverage of some of the cracks in this narrative.

We won’t stop London 2012 from happening. But we can spread awareness of the underlying issues to help mitigate the worst of its effects, and maybe reduce the impact of the Games on future hosts.

But remember, if reading this article has made you want to speak out against the Olympic Nightmare^TM, you must not take part in any unauthorised protest that hasn’t been licensed by the Space Hijackers. Doing so will put you in breach of Olympic brand affiliation laws, and Seb Coe will come round your house to give you an Olympic Torch^TM experience you’ll never forget…

Join the Official Protest here!

 

By Space Hijackers (@spacehijackers)