General Assembly: “Libor my ass!”

August 4, 2012

At ease private…

Last month I shared some top-secret intelligence on the impending invasion of allied territories. The enemy was primed for an advance, employing shock and awe tactics, but thanks to us, we’ve managed to halt their progress.

I’ve spent the last month holed up in an undercover operation but I had to keep y’all in the dark for your own safety. Let’s just say, the Head of Recruitment at G4S has been a little “tied up” recently. Now we’ve sent the G4S brigade packing, the neolibs have brought in them there regular marine corps faster than green grass through a goose. These jarheads ain’t gonna be too pleased about checking bags and handing out lollipops to tourists, but don’t be getting all complacent, soldier. These corporate maggots won’t stop until every last inch of public space is under military lockdown.

Who’da thunk that it would be cycling shorts and synchronised swimming that would finally push us into martial law? Well hell, we can’t allow this show of force to keep us from taking action against these corporate junkies! Excuse me while I present my proposal – which I’ve already granted consensus.

Starting today, we embark on a new operation, code word: Well, actually the codeword has been copyrighted, so we can’t use it, but, but here’s the mission anyway.

As I’m sure y’all heard, these Locog hounds ain’t too happy about good citizens using their precious logo – hell, they would brand a fart if they could catch one. So, our scouts are drilled and ready to set up stalls near Ol*mpic venues and sell all that novelty merchandise the organisers don’t like to hear about. “Who wants a ‘BP is your friend’ T-shirt tie-dyed with the authentic blood of an indigenous activist?” “Get your OlymprickTM McLard Burger – the cornerstone of any nutritious breakfast!”. We gonna subvert the shit out of these corporate clowns! Talking of clowns, the ace in the pack of our most wanted is a dangerous counter-revolutionary and ideologue – average height, Caucasian, medium build with a red wig, face-paint, and as crazy a buzzard as you’ve ever seen. Rest assured, we’ve got tabs on this one. He’s been busy converting unsuspecting tourist folk in his Church of the Golden Arches – so get down there and bring him in soldier…

But the Ol*mpics sure as tootin’ ain’t the only target in our sights. I’m sure you’ve heard, the enemy has been using a sophisticated financial weapon against us to manipulate the battlefield, which until now has outwitted our counter-counter insurgency squad. That’s right, I’m talking about LIBOR.

Worse still, they’ve been accumulating a gigantic hoard of monetary ammunition in secret offshore bases. This, is financial warfare, soldiers, and we have a helluvalotta ground to make up. But can we do it? I SAID, CAN WE DO IT? You can bet your last penny we can. Coz that’s all you got!