COP
This month things must improve as you’ve been derriere-lict in your duties. It may have been marginally out of your jurisdiction but this perp displayed a naked contempt for the law. He was clearly drunk and disorderly, indecently exposing himself and there was even said to be crack openly on display. If you set eyes on this bum in Britain, you be sure to give him a royal spanking.
BANKER
Another month, another multibillion dollar money laundering scandal. It really is hard to get that stuff clean. Out, damned spot! the ambitious Lady cried but she felt guilt, do you? Have you enough cash to stop up the access and passage to remorse? What’s done is done and cannot be undone, the innocent flower is dead and you’re the serpent for all to see. At least the Lady did the honourable thing. You will not find love this month.
NATIONALIST
Why shouldn’t you bask in the glory of Olympic triumph? Blighty wasn’t just the hostess with the mostest, she bestrode the world’s stage once again. Team GB cycled, ran and rowed their way to victory and did it for Queen and country. The Daily Mail might be right about those mixed raced families in the news but surely not Jess Ennis? Question is: would you still love Mohammed Farah if he hadn’t won?
ANONYMOUS
You have, once again, shown your true power! Tens of people trembled at your latest “attack” on some websites. But, it can’t be an easy time for your group. A former hero’s reputation lies open for all to see, yet you now find yourselves defending unaccountability, the very concept the organisation was formed to tackle. If people do point out this rank hypocrisy, you could always distract them with some cute kitty photos?
PACIFIST
What a triumph for science. The largest man-made object placed on Mars is leading to vast leaps in human knowledge. But should you be pleased? NASA are sort of a part of the military industrial complex aren’t they? In fact, The United States have clearly just colonised Mars, isn’t that a bit imperialist? It’s time to march to the American embassy and demand on behalf of all Martians the right to self determination.
ANARCHIST
Those ideological state apparatus are at it again. The clunking fist of central authority has dealt a disproportionate blow in the battle between punk and Putin. You have witnessed how the direct actions of three brave women can ignite Pussy Riots across the globe. Now they’re recruiting, you must build on this momentum. But beware, it’s not only the Kremlin who don’t like pesky protesters around churches. Balaclavas at the ready?
WORKER
The time for escalation is now. For inspiration look to Leicester. Yes, you read that correctly. Sacked disabled workers occupied the boss’s HQ! Radicalism is the way forward. No good just trying to get from A to B. Especially when B’s not much worth getting to. Your compañeros in Asturias are using homemade rocket launchers to fight, for you it’s all about October 20. Let’s try something new this time…
STUDENT
Ignore the hubbub. First they crank up the pressure on exams every year then they tell you it’s all too easy? Michael Gove was probably a straight A student: so hey, maybe exam results aren’t the be all and end all? These are important times, but don’t forget that life will always test you so be sure not to sleep through the most important lessons. Next class: insubordination.
PENSIONER
You worked hard for this and undoubtedly you deserve security in your dotage. But at what cost? Can yours be the generation that no longer stays silent as your pension makes money from BP? You aren’t the shy and retiring type when it comes to injustices at home but what about when our prosperity is linked to exploitation abroad? Those corporations didn’t create that value, your lifetime of work did. Why let them profit from your labour?
NEOLIBERAL
It’s a globalised world, you know you’ve got to race to survive. People don’t seem to understand how important it is for the health of the economy to make an export economy out of health. How unfair of others to think that you’d start abroad before setting up shop back home. The NHS is a brand just waiting to be exploited and this month the starter’s gun has officially been fired. Don’t forget to thank Danny Boyle for the free advertising!
CHAMPAGNE SOCIALIST
Oh dear. On the one hand, you really don’t like those big bullies America. But on the other hand, you don’t want to appear to be anti-justice. All of the columnists aren’t helping either, with their carefully reasoned but contradictory arguments. It’s probably best to follow the usual rule: agreeing with whichever group you feel is being least represented in the discussions. Which in the Assange case is, almost certainly, the Inuits.
LIBERAL
You should be very pleased. Your eldest really did benefit from those hours of private tuition, so getting accepted to university should be a breeze. But don’t forget those exorbitant fees. You have been saving hard with your local building society and shopping at Sainsbury’s instead of Waitrose. Of course, if you find you lose your savings, you can always remortgage your home to make sure she gets to study at Oxford.