Political Horoscope: August

COP

What great luck you’ve had of late! The power to enforce the law is one thing, but to be deemed above it is a very handy get out of jail free card. You’re feeling untouchable, as if you could get away with murder. But don’t get too cocky, Chance is fickle and you don’t have a Monopoly on good fortune. Privatisation lurks just past Go, so remember to collect your dosh, you never know when you’ll be bankrupt.

 

BANKER

You’ve been banking on your skeletons staying in the closet, and if it weren’t for investigative journalism and those pesky protesters, you might just have gotten away with it too. Okay, so with the LIBOR rate you’ll have to declare an interest but they never used to care about these things during boom-time. You don’t get much credit these days, but to be fair, you don’t give much either.

 

NATIONALIST

After the disappointment of Roy’s Boys’ lacklustre display in the football, the Olympics offer a chance to reassert national glory, and better still, we don’t have to go abroad to do it. The downside, of course, is a massive influx of foreigners. Still, with a bit of luck you’ll be hearing the national anthem on a daily basis, and you can get your Jubilee kitsch back out of the attic.

 

ANONYMOUS

New month, new memes. This is all getting tiresome to keep up with and you’re thinking about the bigger problems facing the landscape of the Internet. SOPA and PIPA might be dead for now, but the Internet Defence League doesn’t feel like the right answer. The world fails to appreciate your online heroics but one day they’ll see, anonymity is the future. Invest in Lulz for the win.

 

PACIFIST

The boys in blue have had military back-up recently, but does one really need a piece to keep the peace? That’s certainly not the way you’d go about it, but with missiles on rooftops and soldiers deployed on the streets, London seems far from the gentle utopia you crave. Don’t despair! A trip abroad to somewhere looking like less of a warzone would do you good.

 

ANARCHIST

Direct action is the logical, consistent method of Anarchism, and right now you’re just itching to agitate. The people responsible for the plethora of Olympic mishaps could learn a thing or two from you about organising, so why not put those skills to good use? After all, you’re one of the OfficialTM OlympicTM ProtestersTM, and you wouldn’t want to let the side down. Your colours this month are red and black.

 

WORKER

A ferment is building. Let’s see how the bosses like things with their borders unguarded, their buses undriven and their caffe latte without milk! Never forget, it’s you who reproduces the city and it’s your labour that makes their profit. Somewhere back along the way the ‘rest’ and ‘play’ parts of the bargain went missing. Keep October 20th in mind, plan now and plan big! We are many, they are few.

 

STUDENT

With school out for summer, you may be feeling out of sorts. If you’ve been stumbling from bar tent to dance tent in abominable states of consciousness this could be a good taster class for your next instalment of education. Who knows? Tent cities could replace halls of residence in the next round of “efficiencies” the government plans to impose on higher education. Rest up, big battles lie ahead.

 

PENSIONER

With the London transport network in acute demand this summer, you had better say goodbye to your priority seats on the bus. Why can they prioritise VIP lanes but not OAP ones? It wasn’t like this in 1948 but never mind, the doctor’s surgery has gone private and all the post offices are closing down, so there’s less call for travelling these days anyway.

 

NEOLIBERAL

Oh dear. After months of sustained abuse, things have just gotten worse. Can you really claim wealth trickles down now that everyone knows you’ve been hoarding trillions offshore? Your banker friends are up to their necks in it and that claptrap about the market being “free” is getting less believable by the day. It can be lonely at the top, but that’s what you get for being a total bastard.

 

CHAMPAGNE SOCIALIST

You’re shocked and appalled by the unethical sponsors, overzealous security measures and censorship of any language relating to the Olympics – but not so much that you’re going to give up your tickets to the rhythmic gymnastics. After all, just like the athletes, you worked bloody hard to be able to afford them. Well, your parents did, and sometimes wealth *does* trickle down.

 

LIBERAL

This coalition with the Tories has been nothing but trouble. Who knew power could be such a drag? You’ve started to cast your eyes back across to the Labour benches but this unjust electoral system will always leave you in a weak negotiating position. Was it all worth it? Will you ever live this down? You’ve forgiven yourself, but redemption can’t be self imposed, and forgiveness from a nation is a long time coming. Blue brings bad luck.