Political Horoscopes – October 2012

COP

You’ve thrown your fair share of sticks and stones, and broken plenty of bones where necessary. But it really is the words that hurt, isn’t it? You’re out there everyday pounding the streets (as well as political dissent) and what kind of appreciation do you get from your lords and masters? Pleb! How Rude! Your lucky letters for the month are A, C, A and B.

 

BANKER

It’s been yet another month of self congratulatory back-patting (no-one else is going to do it after all). You should be very proud of the many well deserved gongs you picked up at the Investment Banking Awards. There was even an impromptu award for Barlcays for their sterling LIBOR work. But, be very careful. Ed Miliband wants to steal all your hard earned money. Avoid red at all costs.

 

NATIONALIST

It looks like you have a new ally in Ed Miliband. With him and Osborne fighting over who can be more ‘one nation’, you might perhaps ask yourself this: where did Ed and George go to university? Where do they go on holiday? Where do they shop and go out for meals? What newspapers do they read? What sport do they follow? Still think it’s One Nation? One divided nation.

 

ANONYMOUS

You seem to have gained the support of the public by swapping the lulz-hunting in favour of a 2.5GB information dump on alleged sex offences – kudos! But consider widening the target to encompass the macrocosmic motherboard at the root of the problem. This month, take the time to question whether any amount of data can hope to expose the systemic roots of global injustice, and realign your targets accordingly.

 

PACIFIST

Your eternal patience is being strained. How much longer can the streets of Madrid and Athens be filled with the sound of cracking skulls before the realisation that holding hands and sitting down won’t realign the political needs of the planet? As the leaves change their hue this season, consider a change in your own colours. Perhaps it would be more effective to swap the black and blue for red and black?.

 

ANARCHIST

You’re not impressed with the TUC rhetoric. Well, you’re not impressed with the TUC in the first place.
After all, we should be using our boots to shut off the machines, not wearing them to walk down to Whitehall. Come on, show these Unity obsessed politicos what mass organisation can look like. You don’t have a lucky colour this month, as you’ve decided the electromagnetic spectrum is just another hierarchy.

 

WORKER

This month the streets will tremble with the footfall of your inefficacy. With the latest copy of the Socialist Worker tucked under your arm and the old-school union songs sounding out, remember: the desire for change should be matched with efforts to boot. Perhaps it’s time to remix those age-old rhymes to reflect the times?

 

STUDENT

Perhaps this is a month for forgiveness? An old friend who promised much but instead delivered a life of debt has been good enough to say sorry – he even sang a song for you! Before deciding whether this broken man deserves his reprieve don’t miss his wording… he doesn’t apologise for the policy, he’s only sorry for the initial ‘unrealistic’ promise not to do what they ended up doing.

 

PENSIONER

The most long in the tooth have lived through two world wars *and* two depressions. Whisper it quietly, but it could be you more senior of citizens who finally bite back against the system. As more of us live for longer, and with the new Health Secretary warning state care for the elderly is “years” away, a care crisis looks an inevitability. It might be time to start a Jeremy Hunt.

 

NEOLIBERAL

‘Triple dipping’ a country into recession may seem less fun than ‘skinny dipping’ in the waters around your yacht, but you’re no doubt still cackling like a maniac at the misfortune of the masses. Your insatiable thirst for unsustainable markets has led us into round three of the trickle-up knockout. But chance remains to even your odds if you learn from the past and realise: time’s up. Tap out and fuck off, it’s time for a new champion in the ring.

 

CHAMPAGNE SOCIALIST

After finding the energy to make some Global Noise, having bought a very fetching cast iron casserole dish from the local Waitrose, you may feel like returning to silence and hibernation in the cold months ahead. But let not passivity or ineffectual resistance define your political efforts this season, and consider branching out. Remember, as you bash a racket in yet another empty financial district, fulfilment lies not in a strongly-worded letter.

 

LIBERAL

You’re all for workers’ rights, but is striking a responsible way to go about things? Sure, inequality is rife, corruption is abound and you can’t trust politicians, but isn’t all this anti-capitalist rhetoric just a step too far? After all, the markets of capitalism have delivered great prosperity! To be at your best this month, try to avoid cognitive dissonance.