Political Horoscope: July

COP

July will bring increased demands on your services, but with it, increased powers at your disposal. While Olympians compete on a level playing-field, it’s your job to ensure those trying to even things up in the real world don’t get a footing. This is no time to be sporting; crack down hard on any dissent, and you may just end up with a medal of your own.

 

BANKER

Everyone is terrified that Atlas will drop the globe on Greece, but you’re sitting pretty. Who cares if a sovereign falls when you’ve bet on both heads and tails? Your debt will be offloaded onto those less fortunate this month, as it always is. So as long as your number is never up, keep that roulette wheel spinning. The number 99 could bring bad luck.

 

NATIONALIST

A veritable orgy of Jubilee flags has perked you up no end. What a shame Independence Day and an Olympic invasion of foreigners will spoil all that pure (or puerile?) splendour. Beware when the Euro crisis strikes again: the Union will get Jacked and it’ll be once more into the breach, dear friends, as you cry forlornly for Harry, England and St. George! Your lucky colour this month is Imperial Purple.

 

ANONYMOUS

For someone supposed to be incognito, your presence is almost ubiquitous. But is that really you? Are the flag-waving masked avengers at every demo really the ones doing the hacking, or are they subcontractors –  just doing your branding and product placement? With a (Mc)flurry of sports branding under fire elsewhere this month, perhaps now is the time to check whether your own reps are as clean as the starting whistle.

 

PACIFIST

The world peace you dream of looks more distant by the day. But remember, ‘Peace is not the absence of conflict, but the ability to cope with it’. Can you find contentment in a warring world? If not, perhaps it’s time to combat the combat and join the fightback. You don’t have to resort to violence, but tolerance isn’t always a virtue, and another letter to your MP will help nobody.

 

ANARCHIST

While everyone else gets carried away with the Olympic pomp and ceremony, you just can’t get excited about rewarding the fittest and strongest among us. Of course, the real winners don’t have to compete. You’d rather have roses on your table than a medal on your neck, so if people call you a spoil sport, prove them right and find a way to spoil the sport. Your colour this month is black.

 

WORKER

First they take your pay rise, then they take your pension and now they take you to London and make you sleep under a bridge?! Such precariousness can no longer persist – the only answer is to resist! With London set for a fortnight of gridlock, there’s no point in even attempting the commute; instead why not stay at home with friends and plan how to seize the means of production?

 

STUDENT

There’s no better way to forget results than to run to the hills for festival season. Of course, festival may spell “wash out” but who needs sunshine when you’re sticking it to the man (or getting stuck in the mud)? If hedonism isn’t the recipe of choice, perhaps you might find pots, pans and protests where gold once lay beneath the rainbow. Swap hills for streets, ignite your community and we’ll all be dining out on casseroles! Your colour this month is squarely red.

 

PENSIONER

You remember when Her Maj was but a fairytale princess, so bringing in this Jubilee was especially poignant. As much as you enjoyed the occasion, you can’t help but feel that a Debt Jubilee might have served the majority better. Your senior Railcard may get you to Buckingham Palace but don’t forget which side of the fence you’re on. Your lucky number is 65, oh, no…make that 68.

 

NEOLIBERAL

Crisis, what crisis? The current planetary alignment might be taking its toll on society, but up in your ivory tower the view looks good. Unless you look into the future, that is. Your  greedy ‘want now’ attitude might have served you well thus far, but you may soon see that two in the bush trumps one in the hand. Your hand has fed only yourself, expect to get bitten soon.

 

CHAMPAGNE SOCIALIST

You’re no stranger to cries of hypocrisy, but last month was worse than most. Why can’t you be an egalitarian *and* a Royalist? Your friends are so rigid in their principles, but things aren’t simple; life is complicated, which is why you employ some ‘help’. Wanting more for others shouldn’t mean self-sacrifice, and like the Queen, you deserve the perks that make life bearable. Your lucky colour this month is Royal Blue.

 

LIBERAL

To you, the Olympics are one of the things which make life worth living. People of all colours and creeds competing for their nations on a level playing field – it’s right in tune with your ethics! But what lies beyond the stadiums? The ticket to your perspective can’t be afforded by all, and the markets don’t care for second place. Don’t be blinded by the golds and silvers, and spare a thought for those disqualified from the fun.