Political Horoscope: June

COP

After a brief walk on the wild side, it’s back to work, keeping anyone else who dares to step out of line in check. Some might say you’re a hypocrite, but you’re just doing your job, which is to follow orders and not think for yourself. The mean streets are no place for a conscience, peaceful protest or public assembly. Your fetish for clear highways will pay off nicely this month.

 

BANKER

Unfortunately for you, the shareholder spring hasn’t proved to be an oasis of investors in an otherwise barren economy you helped to create. It’s much closer to home. Or should that be homes? Or mansions? With your track record, playing victim won’t get you much sympathy, so stop feeling sorry for yourself, and remember: what goes around comes around.

 

NATIONALIST

Not so long ago it looked like your very own Golden Dawn was about to break, but despite a resurgence on the continent, locally you’ve faced unanimous rejection. If only you weren’t so loyal to the land of hope and glory, you could emigrate to pastures more receptive to your perspective. Don’t get caught up in the irony of this predicament – it’s all Greek to you anyway.

 

ANONYMOUS

All this talk of ‘Do-Not-Track’ has gotten your hopes up, especially after Twitter’s flirtations. But don’t forget to watch for mutiny from within. The Pirate Bay was taken down by a defector, right? These friendships seem solid, but be careful of the company you keep and remember to clear your internet history after your deviant digital escapades; don’t leave a crumb-trail of all those cookies!

 

PACIFIST

For as long as you can remember, the world has been in turmoil, but the mid-month transit of Venus promises a more harmonious passage. Occurring only twice in a lifetime, eight years apart, could this rare celestial event be the catalyst you’ve been waiting for? With such high hopes, beware of disappointment, and if peace doesn’t prevail, find solace bemoaning those who fight back.

 

ANARCHIST

People often mistake you for an irresponsible hot-head burning with inner rage. Truth be told, you’re quite the organiser and have a heart bursting with love. Don’t let public misconceptions about the true you dampen your spirits, they’re just too caught up in their own status, and don’t understand how free you are. Your lucky colour this month (and every month) is black.

 

WORKER

Not so long ago you were dreaming of promotion, now you live in perpetual fear of the chop. In times like these it’s easy to see your colleagues as competitors, yet solidarity with your fellow worker is more important than ever. May Day brought you out of your shell, but now isn’t the time to skulk back inside. Put a stop to your daily monotony, and you might just “strike” it lucky.

 

STUDENT

With exam season over, it’s time for you to enjoy a well-earned break – for about 70 years. That’s right, the social contract that promised you a career for your hard work was a sham. You’ve been sold down the river, short changed, Clegged, ripped… well, you get the picture. But don’t just sit in the dole queue feeling sorry for yourself, it’s time to take action and rip the system down.

 

PENSIONER

Record low temperatures at the start of last month are on the way out – good news for heating allowance qualms. Now that the weather is nice, you can really stick it to those whining students and put them in their place. You may have had free education, job prospects, a half-decent wage upon graduation, etc… but kids these days are just plain lazy, right?

 

NEOLIBERAL

You approach this month with a continuing sense of due caution towards the Chancellor’s reduction in your tax rates (it’s just not good enough, is it?). Cheaper food-and-board abroad and a Frenchman’s anti-austerity victory across the channel seem to herald a changing tide against your agenda. Are you certain conditions on these shores remain on your side? Remember: even King Canute couldn’t turn back the tide.

 

CHAMPAGNE SOCIALIST

Nobody understands the plight of the working-classes quite as well as you. Well, apart from working-class people, that is. But then, they don’t have your sophisticated cultural understanding and quality education to help make sense of the world. ‘Getting it’ can be taxing, and god only knows you contribute enough, so if you feel stressed, head straight for the spa.

 

LIBERAL

With clowns like Miliband to the left of you (just) and jokers to your right, life’s tough when you’re stuck in the middle of things. Perhaps a move abroad would do you good? Here, you’re often accused of being bland and spineless, but across the pond folks like you are seen as dangerous, mysterious commies! On second thoughts, your cohorts get by just fine in the UK on the “seen and not heard” card.